


I Can't Drown My Demons, They Know How To Swim

by Loveonawirex3



Category: Shameless (US)
Genre: M/M, mentions of Ian
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-25
Updated: 2014-03-25
Packaged: 2018-01-16 23:13:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,393
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1365262
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Loveonawirex3/pseuds/Loveonawirex3
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>And Mandy did understand. She knew where they came from, knew how words didn’t come easy to them and expressing fucking feelings they weren’t even supposed to have was next to impossible. She was still mad at Mickey, because if there was one thing in this world that was worth throwing away all that bullshit they’d been raised to believe it was Ian Gallagher.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Can't Drown My Demons, They Know How To Swim

**Author's Note:**

> So, I usually write to songs because they just inspire me and this whole song just slams me with Mickey feels. This was actually the first thing I ever wrote for this fandom right after season 3 finale, and I totally forgot about it until just now so here it is. Hope you enjoy! Set directly after 3x12.

            _I’m scared to get close and I hate being alone_  
_I long for that feeling to not feel at all_  
_The higher I get, the lower I'll sink_  
_I can't drown my demons, they know how to swim_

* * *

                It started with Captain Morgan.

                Well, Captain Morgan and good intentions only slightly tainted with the selfish need to know. Mandy had tentatively tapped on the door to his room, peeking her dark head in.

                “The fuck you want?”

                The dark haired boy was sitting on his bed, in an odd sort of crouched position, eyes on the floor. The deep circles under his eyes make him seem even more pale than he actually was, and the look on his face didn’t help much either. Mandy fought the frown that wanted to rise at the sight of her brother. And his void, terribly empty eyes. Even his voice was hollow, the usual swagger and force behind them just missing.

                “Wanna get drunk with me?” She asked, holding up the bottle of Captain in her hand as an offering, her eyes shining with what she prayed was hope and not pity. Pity would get her nowhere, not with Mickey. And any other day, she wouldn’t really care about tip toeing around Mickey’s supposedly nonexistent feelings, but not today.

                Those creepy eyes finally met her gaze, and she almost flinched. There was just nothing. But mechanically, he nodded and that was all Mandy needed to slip in and close the door behind her. She didn’t know why she was bothering to be quiet, no one was home but them. Then again, maybe she just didn’t want to annoy Mickey and have him kick her out.

                She needed his company, almost as much as he needed hers. The only difference was, she was willing to admit to that loneliness. Mickey just stared off into space for long intervals these last few days, seeming so all consumed by something in his head and yet not a single expression of it on the outside. It was confusing and weird. Mandy wasn’t stupid, she knew he was upset and lonely for the same reasons she was.

                Ian.

                He’d really left. It had been about a week since the day Ian walked out of the Milkovich house, and she’d angrily called her brother a pussy. She still stood by that, she thought with a stubborn nod. But, it was about time she got some damn answers.

                Wordlessly, she snatched two shot glasses off Mickey’s dresser, there was an assortment of them strewn about, and poured two shots up to the rim for them -ignoring the thin layer of dust in them. She curled her fingers around hers, waiting expectantly for Mickey to do the same. When he didn’t, she frowned and roughly shoved his shoulder with hers to catch his attention. Vacant, icy blue stared into her eyes for a second before a flicker of recognition shone in them, and suddenly Mickey seemed to come to.

                “Oh.” He murmured, grabbing the shot and clanking it against hers, downing it and reaching for a refill before she’d even had a chance to bring hers to her lips. She shook her shoulders a bit at the bitter taste, but didn’t outwardly show it affected her too much. They went shot for shot about five or six times. Truth be told, she hated the taste and smell of alcohol. She was a Milkovich, so she downed it like it was water anyways but still.

                It made her think of dark and dingy rooms. It made her think of fear and mortification. Of feeling worthless, and small and out of control. Of the smell of cheap vodka on her dad’s hot, disgusting breath as he-

                The hand on her wrist brought her back to reality, and she took a sharp intake of breathe that she hadn’t even realized she hadn’t been taking in. The look on Mickey’s face told her something about the one on her own, and she gave him a small, watery smile. No smirks, not tonight. All of the smirks and hard words were left outside as soon as she’d stepped in. “You wanna talk about it?”

                “No.” Came the immediate gruff answer, followed by another shot.

                “I think you do.”

                “Well, I don’t. What the fuck is there to talk about? It’s done.”

                “You really are a pussy.” She couldn’t help it, couldn’t help but prod the wound a little. Especially when he was making it just way too easy for her to do so.

                Mickey didn’t respond, except to turn his head away slightly. Mandy didn’t miss the way his eyes suddenly seemed a little too shiny. With her thoughts a little fuzzy, and her tummy warm from the liquor, she reached forward and placed a hand softly on Mickey’s cheek. It was a testament to the emotional state the two were in, since gentle affection like this was never shared between two Milkovichs’. “Why didn’t you tell me?” She asked, the hurt creeping into her voice.

                Mickey scoffed, and tipped his head away from her touch. “Fuck does it matter?”

                And then, she was done. Jumping to her feet, she angrily kicked at his ankle. “Fuck you! All you have is fucking questions as answers, and that’s exactly what got you into this situation in the first place isn’t it? And now…Now he’s-“

                “I fucking know.” The ex-con snapped, sharply turning his head to the side as he grabbed for his pack of smokes.

                Mandy opened her mouth, about to continue on her tirade, but something about the look on his face. The defeated, worn look just stopped her. Mickey lit a cigarette, throwing the pack into her lap in offering and she popped one into her mouth eagerly. Inhaling the fumes, she set the lighter and pack back on her bed before finding her courage to speak again. “So…What now?”

                Mickey shrugged, looking down at the floor with his eyes devoid of anything again. “Hell if I know. Always knew I was fucked for life anyways.”

                Mandy blamed the strong fuzz that was her brain at this moment for the little smirk she gave him before hopping to her feet, grabbing the bottle and taking another shot right out of it. “Except now you won’t be fucked at all.”

                Irritation flashed over Mickey’s features, and Mandy almost sighed in relief. Finally, _something_ other than that horrible void stare.

                “Is that supposed to be fucking funny, bitch?” Mickey scowled, flicking his cigarette ashes on her leg.

                “Yeah,” Mandy laughed at herself, before her expression became serious again. “Do you miss him?”

                The dark haired boy didn’t speak, his eyes draining of any hint of what was going on in his mind before falling to the floor again. Mandy resigned to the fact that he wasn’t going to answer her, and had just opened her mouth to try to pry a bit more when his eyes gaze snapped to her again and the intensity of the pain in his eyes took her breath away. He didn’t speak, just looked at her like he was pleading with her to understand. Looked at her like he was on fire inside, like he was burning with the intensity of all the things he felt that he couldn’t even admit to himself.

                And Mandy did understand. She knew where they came from, knew how words didn’t come easy to them and expressing fucking feelings they weren’t even supposed to have was next to impossible. She was still mad at Mickey, because if there was one thing in this world that was worth throwing away all that bullshit they’d been raised to believe it was Ian Gallagher.

                So Mandy handed him the bottle to help drown the demons she knew were raging inside of him. And in the moment she was so incredibly sad, because as angry at him as she was for her losing her best friend she knew he had lost probably his only chance at real happiness.

                And she wanted to tell him that her own Gallagher was shattering her as well, that she knew exactly what he was going through,

                But Mickey clearly didn’t want to talk, so instead of pushing it she snatched the bottle from his hand and drained it in an attempt to silence her own demons. _  
_

**Author's Note:**

> Feedback is always appreciated! Unbeta’d. Title and lyrics from Bring Me The Horizon “Can You Feel My Heart”, if you haven’t heard it I highly suggest it because like I said, Mickey feels.


End file.
